One of the most powerful underlying forces that determine the quality of our lives is self worth. Self worth is literally the value or worth that we as individuals place on ourselves. Over the years I have helped countless clients who on the surface seem to lack the comforts needed to be happy. However, a slight scratch of that very surface reveals that the real problem is low self worth and ultimately an avid dislike of themselves. Low self worth is why some women stay in abusive relationships, low self-worth is why some corporate executives never aim to get the promotion they so desire and low self worth is why some people self-sabotage whenever a good thing happens to them.
I recently had a client, lets call her Katie. Katie was an educated working woman who had a stream of unsatisfactory relationships with men. She always blamed herself for making the wrong choices and was convinced that it was always her fault when the relationship broke down. In fact, Katie was the type of woman who was always so grateful for having a boyfriend at all. The men she dated inevitably treated her very poorly, yet she let it happen and accepted their behaviour toward her without question. Even her appearance was a reflection of someone who didn’t really care about herself. The problem with Katie was that she was sending out the wrong message. A message of low self worth which set the benchmark on how ‘Katie’ wished to be treated. Since communication is a two way stream, people will always treat you the way you treat yourself.
Low self worth is the unfortunate product of past experiences that can go back to childhood. How a teacher put you down in fifth grade, how a parent always criticised your every effort or the ever popular bullying from your class mates. Such experiences tend to resonate in the unconscious mind and create the low self worth we’re exploring here, not to mention limiting beliefs that hold you back. (See: You Are What You Believe article). Such painful experiences contribute greatly to how we live our lives later in adulthood. We tend to grasp a sense of our identity from our surrounding, even if our surrounding is absolutely false and corrupt. The human unconscious cannot negate, it believes everything it hears. A famous example among NLP’ers to test this claim is: “In the next 10 seconds, do NOT think of a Pink Elephant”.
What happens to us through unpleasant experiences is that we start to believe that we are not worth what we truly are, and do not deserve to achieve anything good for ourselves. Moreover, our internal dialogue becomes the villain we so hate, thus the process of self-hypnosis kicks in and alters our beliefs and behaviour. The symptoms of low self worth are many, and among the most extreme are eating disorders. In a world that dictates to us what is beautiful and what is not, our self image and worth is becoming diluted to the point of confusion and pain.
What sadly happens is that individuals tend to put themselves down, refuse to stand up for themselves and sacrifice their most basic right of self respect and dignity in fear of being judged and labelled as egotistical. The ‘ego’ self is merely the individual self, and there is nothing wrong with nurturing the ego every once in a while. Being an insecure show off on the other hand is a totally different matter.
If you reflect high self worth, you will attract respect, admiration and credibility in everything you do and say – and vice-versa. Just because we behave a certain way that dissatisfies us, we don’t have to carry on doing the same thing. Behaviour is something that can be easily changed once awareness takes place, which incidentally reminds me of what Carl Jung once said: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become”.
There is light to seek, and changes to make. Here are some simple yet powerful questions that I have borrowed from Fiona Harrold. Answer them honestly and briefly. The following questions are designed to help you gain awareness of how you are living. The very first step to any form of change is awareness.
- How do I rate my self-worth on a scale of 0 to 100?
- If my rate is less than 100, the 3 reasons why this is so are:
- What exactly stops me from liking myself more?
- What are 3 ways that I hold myself back through not having enough belief in myself?
- What are the 3 things that I do to be liked by others and feel likable?
- What 3 things do I tolerate or put up with in my life?
- For what 3 things do I blame or resent myself?
- In what 3 ways do I punish myself?
As a species, we are easily amenable to countless influences that we are subjected to in our daily lives, including our society, religion, upbringing, friends and the media. The great news is, we CAN change for the better. Let me finish off with what the eighteenth century philosopher Voltaire once said:
“Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.” Even to yourself!!!
Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.
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