Language That Changes Minds

June 14, 2010

Language That Changes Minds.

One of the most heartfelt testimonials I recently received from a client was: “Thank you so much, you really are the Jerry McGuire of Life Coaches.” It actually made my day, because although it was a relatively short testimonial compared to what I usually receive; it was potent with meaning and gratitude.  It said so much, yet with a handful of words.  Which brings me to the main theme of this month’s newsletter:  Language That Changes Minds.

The power of language still amazes me, because it has the power to start wars, move nations, create revolutions, motivate a platoon, ignite passion and bring tears of joy to your eyes.  Language is a vehicle that can transport emotions from one end to another.  It can create pictures, sounds, feelings, scents and tastes.

Language can activate and manipulate almost all our sub-modalities resulting in instant change in how we feel.  It can change how we understand the world around us and offer us an array of colours to choose from to paint our feelings, thoughts and emotions on the canvas of our lives.

It can shed light on a dilemma we may be facing, it can change our moods and it can fire us up to complete something we’ve been putting off.  In fact, if you notice how inspirational leaders talk to their audience, they always use animated words that trigger off feelings of unity, vision, drive, purpose and passion.  They carefully choose their words and construct paragraphs like a master craftsman at work.

Most importantly, we can change how we feel by what we say to ourselves and the language we use internally.  Time and time again, some of my clients know what they want and what they have to do to get it.  Unfortunately, there’s a word they always use  that is an energy vampire and that word is: “But”.  Although “But” is used on a regular basis in our everyday casual talk, it can have dampening effects which can alter our path and weaken your dreams.  “But” is a three letter word that can completely undo everything that came before it.

  • “I can book myself the vacation of my dreams, thanks to this year’s bonus, BUT I can’t be bothered with the way airports are these days.
  • “I can lose weight and really get fit again, BUT….”
  • “I really want to write this book I have in mind, BUT…”

Imagine if none of the above sentences had a big “BUT”.  Imagine if those sentences ended before the word “BUT”, and what a different impact they would have.

For the next 72 hours, try going on a “but” fast!  Completely eliminate it from your external and internal dialogue and notice how you feel, notice how you’ll start thinking and pay attention to the change in your motivation.  For the sake of this newsletter, I have only zoomed in on one word (“but”), and there are many more that can ruin moods and dampen dreams.

Let me just finish off with another positive addition you can start doing.

“I can’t change my job,….”  Now add the word “yet” and see how it changes the whole context.  “I can’t change my job yet”.

Use language to change how you feel for the better.  A great way to start is to practice it on friends and family, and notice what powerful changes a few well placed words can do.  Then make it a habit by cleaning your language.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

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Coaching – A Fresh Choice for the 21st Century

June 14, 2010

I’m sure that most of the readers of this article have a vague idea of what coaching is. But for those who aren’t sure – a coach is a trained and skilled professional who works with clients by offering a completely fresh approach to therapy, or counselling. A coach helps the client by working closely with them to identify their inner goals which is followed by a well thought out and realistic plan to achieve them.

We as humans are ruled by our feelings and emotions that can either make us, or break us. As such we are constantly influenced by external forces that hold us back, diminish our self-worth and throw us off the real track we want to be on. These influences vary so much, that listing them would fill up most of this page, but here are some examples: colleagues at work, your boss, teachers, the adverts on TV, your so called friends who put us down , your partner as well as your family. The worst and most effective factor is yourself. People tend to believe the worst things that are said about themselves, and that’s exactly what goes wrong. Luckily a coach is out of this monotonous and negative circle. As such they are able to see you and your life objectively and without judgment. There are many areas that coaching can help in – relationships, parenting, career, health, stress management, weight loss, time management as well as productivity improvement at work.

Coaches are trained to listen and pick up on key words that you may never think much of, they ask the right questions that can help you not only open up, but rediscover yourself in a fresh and promising way and bring out what you really want to do with your most precious asset – your life.

I, like most of you, was quite unfamiliar with what Life Coaching was all about. After university, I worked in various industries around the world. I worked in sales, trade, oil & gas, distribution and marketing. As the years passed on, I realized that I am meant to do something that I’d enjoy wholeheartedly. From a young age, people fascinated me. I loved discovering and learning all I could about them, and always boosted their self esteem for fun. I read self help books that magnified the human potential, and authors like Dale Carnegie grew to be my best friends. Naturally this innate thirst guided me to discover a new career. I considered counselling as an option, but Life Coaching offered a new angle that I truly identified with. That angle is believing that we are all fully capable beings who CAN and WILL achieve anything we put our minds to.

Research has proven that Life Coaching contributes greatly to ones success and self discovery, but the ultimate decision is yours. We are living in a time that people are becoming more and more aware of how powerful life coaching is, so please stop thinking that it’s only for celebrities. In fact, it is so powerful and effective that multinational blue chip companies are using coaches to improve productivity and stream line their human resources for the 21 st century. Remember, your stars may be aligned, your horoscope may promise you prosperity and the sky may indeed be blue – but you will have no re-action without action. Make that first small step towards reaching your highest goal, and give coaching a chance to change your precious life for the better.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

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The Power of Belief

June 14, 2010

By definition, a belief is a principle accepted as true or real without proof or concrete evidence. However, a coach’s understanding of a belief is much deeper and different than an average person. A belief is a thought and idea that people do not question – some may not even be aware of them at all. So how on earth do beliefs take shape? How do we believe certain things over others? The answer is quite simple really. Beliefs are shaped by a variety of forces, forces such as our parents and family, religion, socio-economic background, education, the friends we socialize with, teachers, the media and our cultural background to name but a few. What is a belief? Simply a repeated thought that evolves into a belief then manifests itself into behaviour. Phrases such as : All Muslims are terrorists, Oh I’m a terrible presenter, my will power is hopeless, Mondays are always horrible, or I’m a loser are all phrases we pick up from the world around us. The fascinating thing is that the human unconscious mind is like an innocent little child that does not negate – everything it hears gets stored. Don’t believe me ? Try this:

Whatever you do in the next 5 seconds – DO NOT think of a GREEN EGG. Don’t ! Think of anything but a GREEN EGG … .. I’m willing to bet vital parts of my anatomy that you already thought of a GREEN EGG.!

This is how absorbing and uncontrollable your unconscious mind is. Our beliefs are the most powerful force that govern our attitudes, outlook and actions. A belief can be such a powerful thing that it can affect our posture, mannerism, motivation as well as our work performance, and relationships. You may pass by the magazine isle at the supermarket, and your visual mind gets bombarded by images of size 8 women with flawless skin that has been digitally enhanced and air-brushed. Or you may be driving and think of balancing your cheque book, then remember a time in your math class when the teacher embarrassed you with a harsh comment when you answered a question wrong. These two example can sound rather trivial, but if you focus on them long enough, and repeat them to yourself often, you will grow to BELIEVE that the way a beautiful woman must look is like that model on the magazine, and that you cannot add 7+4 ! The really frightening thing is that some beliefs are so strong that they influence our lives to the point of misery. Negative beliefs result in limiting beliefs that greatly influence our potential and performance in a variety of areas, not to mention self-esteem, relationships, stress and ambitions we brush under the rug because we fear failure. Fear of failure (which in my experience is the root of all underachievement) is a sad result of limiting beliefs. We avoid attempting our dreams because we believe we’re not good enough. Going back to my first paragraph, a belief is a principle accepted as true or real without proof or concrete evidence.

Unfortunately, most people are oblivious to their limiting beliefs, they carry on doing the same thing, but expecting different outcomes when the core issue is their own repeated pattern of thinking that governs their actions. This reminds me of a client I once had who for purpose of confidentiality I shall refer to him as Mr. Red. Mr. Red was an extremely educated and well seasoned gentleman who never asked for a raise, nor did he ever strive to earn more than what he deserved. As our sessions progressed, he came to realize that he believed that an abundance of money was not Catholically sound, and that due to his strict religious upbringing he viewed too much money as evil. Naturally, we worked on this limiting belief, and he now views abundance of money as a chance to provide for his loving family, community and the charities he was involved in. He is now much happier with himself, and his abilities.

In a way, beliefs are the little switches in the control room of a huge shipping tanker. If you were to give them a little turn, your destination can change from Miami to Rio De Janeiro. The same applies to ones everyday limiting beliefs, if one is to re-examine them through effective questioning, one can make grand changes to the quality of their lives and their unlimited potential.

In my next article I shall provide you with tools and techniques that can help you evaluate and liberate yourself from your limiting beliefs, and start living a freer life that can bring out your true potential. After all, as George Bernard Shaw once said: “Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself”.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

By Coach Taymour | Posted in Coaching, NLP:Belief, Taymour | Tagged , | Comments off

The Tree of Love

June 14, 2010

Imagine you have an orange tree.  This tree  provides you with a very nutritious fruit that has lots of vitamin C, it is high in dietary fibre, it can be eaten, juiced and drunk,  it’s peel can be used to infuse sauces and turned into a delicious bitter sweet jam (also known as Marmalade).  It can also be candied and dipped in chocolate and even its oil is used in aromatherapy to energize and rejuvenate.  In fact, the orange is one of the most underappreciated fruits on this planet.  Its uses are many, and its nutritional value is great, yet we take for granted how precious this unique fruit really is.

Now here’s the hard part. Imagine for a moment that the collective love in your life (whether from family members, your dog, colleagues or your beloved) is that orange tree you read about in the paragraph above.  The orange tree, like love is both fragile and strong.  It needs to be in a warm climate, in healthy soil, with lots of sunshine and the proper nurturing to bare an abundance of fruit.  Love also needs to be among warm hearts (climate), it needs the occasional expression whether a compliment, a card or a simple “I Love You Too!” (Sunshine) and most importantly, it needs to be a partnership of equality between the lover and the beloved – this can also apply to a mother and her child or a man and his wife.  This partnership is about giving and receiving.  It’s about caring, sharing, appreciating, expressing, and feeling somewhat responsible for the other person (comparatively speaking, just like water for the orange tree).  Finally we come to the three most important pillars that support “Love”, they are honesty, respect and clarity of communication – compare these three areas to the soil that always supports the orange tree and keeps it alive and healthy.  Jan Blaustone, who’s the author of The Joy of Parenthood puts it beautifully:

“The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other.”

Here are a few tips on ways you can express yourself to those you love:

1)     As the old saying goes: “The best things in life are free”, and without spending any money, you can offer the precious gift of a poem or a heartfelt letter that uses the appropriate words to stir the emotions of the reader.  It’s all about creating a positive change in feelings and words have always been a timeless tool.  A warm and sincere hug combined with the above can also work wonders.

2)     Research.  Start taking mental notes on what the other person is into.  It could be a scarf they liked, they may love orchids over roses which you might want to consider, or even a particular spot with a romantic view they love where you can arrange a picnic under the stars.  The bottom line is, keep your eyes and ears open to learn more about how to create that special night.  Be creative !

3)     Just because your beloved is NOT the expressive type doesn’t mean they don’t feel – they just might have trouble expressing their feelings.  So look for ways they are expressing their feeling and let them know that you appreciate it.  My father never expressed his feelings verbally, but I never doubted his love, because I knew his actions were louder and more penetrating than any greeting card or letter.  Sometimes it’s about what you do, and not just what you say.  Think of a time someone stood up for you in an argument, or a time they defended you in your absence and you later found out – that gesture can be more expressive and from the heart than a diamond tennis bracelet.  So keep an open mind and appreciate.

4)     Take this opportunity to re-build the bridges you unintentionally burned.  This is a day to forgive and move on, it is a time to open your heart and grow spiritually.  Cleanse yourself and others of grudges, past shortcomings and contained anger.  Express your desire to forgive and move on by letting them know through a genuine gift, card, flowers or even a knock on the door to surprise them with a hug. Forgive and move on, because you’re not in a position to judge; even Mother Teresa talked about this: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

5)     Love yourself, but don’t be arrogant and proud.  It is vital that you grow to love yourself, because how you treat yourself signals to people around you how you want to be treated.  If you put yourself down, and constantly underestimate your qualities, people WILL treat you like that.  After all, people usually mirror communication, so set the benchmark on how you wish to be treated.  If you act, talk and behave exactly how you wish to be treated, people will give in.  This is not just a day to express feelings to ones you care about, but also a day to appreciate your own uniqueness and attributes.  Only then will you be loved to the level you deserve.

Treat your loved ones like the orange tree that provides us with so many bounties.  Remember to care, nurture and maintain your tree of love, because love is always worth it.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

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The Happiness Formula

June 14, 2010

Every single penny spent today is on feeling good, yet there is something missing.  I have met extremely successful and financially stable people who are quite stressed and unfulfilled with their lives; as well as some “Normal” working people who are blissfully positive and happy.  So what is the secret formula to happiness?  Is it financial security? A fancy title? Or is it a combination of different well balanced things ?

There has been much research done in the last 50 years on the elements of success and the elixirs of happiness.  Some say it’s optimism, others emphasise on the importance of goals and inner motivation.  However according to the Mind Gym the formula for happiness is a balanced combination of three very important areas :  Pleasure, Purpose and Challenge.

Let’s explore each one a little closer.

Pleasure:  Doing something that gives you a sense of joy and satisfaction.  This can include a hobby, a fun trip, sports, spending quality time with a loved one or simply spending the weekend in bed with an interesting book.  It can be absolutely anything that gives you a sense of pleasure.  Ultimately, deep feelings of pleasure will lead to clear thinking.  But most importantly it is about doing something personally and professionally that gives you a sense of pleasure.  Remember, a doctor or a lawyer can only be good at what they do if they find pleasure in what they do.  As the old saying goes: “If you love what you do, you never work another day”.

Purpose:  Doing something of meaning and substance.  A paramedic may feel very tired after a long shift, but feels very fulfilled because what he did has a deep purpose behind it – something greater than money and title.  Mahatma Ghandi was once asked to give a message to an international newspaper.  He simply replied: “My life is my message”.  My question to you is: If your life was your message, what would the message be?  The key here is to identify and work towards something of substance and meaning in your everyday life.  Robert Byrne very eloquently says: “ The purpose of life is a life of purpose”.  At the end of the day, it’s not just about setting goals and executing the necessary actions, but being aware of a higher purpose behind everything you do.

Challenge:  Regularly engaging in something that challenges your intellect, creativity and skills.  If we work and do something that is mundane and monotonous, we will never grow and improve.  As such, it is vital that we engage in something that not only stimulates us, but regularly stretches our limits to new heights of growth.  Every surgeon learns and grows after every surgery that challenges them, as does every carpenter who embarks on a new design or project that helps their lateral thinking and creativity.  As a species, we are programmed to learn until our last hour of departure on this earth, so we must nurture our innate need to grow through some form of challenge.  Think of successful entrepreneurs who constantly challenge themselves and feel stimulated.  Most of them have enough money to feed their children’s children, but it’s the sense of challenge that stimulates and excites them.

The most important thing to take on board here is to regularly maintain a balance between all three areas.  If you end up with challenge and purpose, yet an absence of pleasure, you will produce excellent work, only to be followed with exhaustion.  If you end up with purpose and pleasure and no challenge, you will always welcome responsibility and work; however, you’ll lack stimulation and growth.  If you end up with pleasure and challenge, and lack a sense of purpose – you will be stimulated, but lack substance and meaning.  By successfully unifying all three areas together, you will create overall happiness and fulfilment.  On a final note, this reminds me of something I read a year ago:

“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life”.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

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Help I want to feel motivated !

June 14, 2010

Since the beginning of 2006, the most common request I get from new clients is the very title of this article.  Most of them are very clear about what they want, but by the end of their intro session, something magic happens and they light up like a Christmas tree.  They become clear, focused and ready to move on and make the necessary improvements to specific areas of their lives.

We all want to achieve our goals, we all want to make constructive changes that can yield a better quality of life for us and our loved ones, but at times the worst enemy can be ourselves.  One of the very first things I do with new clients, is get to know them, and I do not mean on a superficial level – quite the contrary.  I dig deep and try to find out who they truly are, and in the process, re-acquaint them with themselves.  I explore their values, what makes them tick and most importantly help them gain the bigger picture about their lives.  Ultimately, as Stephen Covey puts it: “Self-knowledge appears as the beacon toward which successful people have always travelled”.  To put it simply, if we have to drive a car, we must first  understand what the car is capable of and how it works.

I recently had a client, lets call her Mary for confidentiality’s sake.  Mary was a bright and highly capable professional woman who wanted to achieve the goals she had set out to do.  To cut a long story short, within 40 minutes Mary realized that the reason she lacked the “wind in her sail” to move forward with her plans was because the goals she had set conflicted with her values and who she truly was.  She also realized that the goals she had set were not really hers, but her fathers.  As soon as Mary gained insight into who she truly was, and what she honestly wanted for herself, not only did her motivation shoot up, but it all seemed easier.

Lesson Number 1: Make sure you set goals that complement who you truly are. As Oscar Wilde once said: “ Be yourself; everyone else is already taken”.

Another problem most of my clients seem to face is that they set such high expectations of themselves that the idea of attempting what they had set out to do turns into a great big fear, so they avoid even attempting it.  The key is to keep your goals realistic and be happy with a good result.  A recent corporate client of mine was what you and I call a “perfectionist”.  It was this very quality that prevented him from attempting his goals.  I simply asked him to aim for an “OK” result that would pass as acceptable.  Though he was uncomfortable with this suggestion, sure enough, his final result was better that what he had ever anticipated.  As soon as I asked him to make a small change to his expectations, his performance excelled.

Lesson Number 2: It’s much better to aim for a “good enough” result, rather than a “perfect” one. The “good enough” result usually ends up being better than the perfect one, particularly if our quest for perfection has stopped us from producing any result at all.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned through my NLP training was that imagination is far more powerful than will.  In fact, one of the most powerful energies on this planet is the power of thought.  Look around you, everything in the room you’re in started with an idea, a thought or imagination.  If you want to attempt and achieve your goals, you MUST see it in your mind first.  To visualise, is to take the fist step towards achievement.  Some people get up and do what has to be done, others never get up at all, but there are some who imagine it first, they even re-run it in their minds again and again, then get up and outperform all those around them.  It is such people, who can change the world for the better.

Lesson Number 3:  Imagine yourself achieving your goal, see it in your mind first, then allow your reality to fulfil your vision.

There is an old Persian proverb that states: “Stupidity is not making a mistake, it’s repeating it”.  We have all made mistakes, the important thing is NOT to view them as failures, but lessons that add value to our lives.  Failure is no more than life’s feedback that lets you know you need to change your approach and strategy towards your goals, and not to give up.

Lesson Number 4:  The more you fail, the closer you’re getting to success.  View failure as what Mel Gibson calls ‘School Fees’ – the cost of life’s education that teaches you the lessons you learn.

By setting realistic goals that are chunked down into doable time frames, you may begin to view your goals as simple daily checklists that are easy to achieve.  If I hand you a huge cake that can feed fifty people, and ask you to eat it, chances are you won’t be able to.  However, if cut it into individual sized portions, then you’re likely to finish that cake in less than a month.  Apply the same principle to your goals.  If you chunk them down into daily tasks, then you ensure a steady stream of necessary motivation to achieve your goals.

Lesson Number 5: Break down your goals into easy to do daily tasks that can add up.  Remember, little changes yield big results.  “A jug fills drop by drop” The Buddha.

Motivation is a remarkable fuel that can keep you going tirelessly towards achieving your goals.  The above five lessons are a few of the most powerful attitude changes that can greatly influence your behaviour and help you grow further.  Ultimately, the key is to persevere and see the big picture, to get up after every fall, and not get disheartened by a few bad results.  I’ll finish off with a what Louis Pasteur very eloquently once said:

“Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength solely lies in my tenacity”.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

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More Brain Juice Please

June 14, 2010

The human brain is such a fascinating and complex organ, that the scientific world is still studying it.  Through the years of research, it has come to light that there are three very important neurochemicals in the brain that help the millions of neurons connect and communicate better so that we can think and process thoughts more efficiently.  These chemicals are serotonin, dopamine and endorphins; what us Neuro Linguistic Programmers call brain juice.  In a recent study, it was found that people who have been diagnosed with clinical depression tend to have low levels of all the three chemicals mentioned above.  Unfortunately, most sad and depressed people end up with increased amounts of Cortisol in their body which can interfere with the function of neurotransmitters.  Excessive Cortisol in your brain can also make it difficult to retrieve long-term memory, in other words the functioning of the brain slows down and becomes polluted.  Some studies have also linked too much Cortisol to the stiffening of the arteries, thus increasing the risk of a heart attack.

Luckily, there is great news.  By incorporating some fun and interesting changes to your daily life, you CAN change how you feel by the chemicals your brain can naturally create.  The brain reacts to the emotions we feel, and some of these emotions are hard wired to the physiological changes we go through.  For example, it is very challenging to think sad thoughts while our posture is upright, or when we put on a huge fake smile.  I won’t be the first to tell you that the mind and body work as one.  Just recall the last time you went for a long walk, a swim or a jog – did you feel down and depressed afterwards ?  Of course not, the simple reason is that your brain produced endorphins during your exercise (endorphins are the bodies natural opiates that make you feel good).

One of the reasons we love eating chocolate or indulge in retail therapy is because such behaviour automatically signals to the brain that you are enjoying yourself, so the brain starts to release serotonin – also known as the happy hormone.  This is precisely why we become chocoholics and shopaholics – our brains create a link to behaviours that make it feel good resulting in a habit that is not always in our best interest.

So here’s what you CAN do in order to improve your life, create better moods and most importantly, manage and perhaps successfully overcome those times when you are in the doldrums.

1)     Start exercising for at least 20 minutes a day.  Exercise does not have to be painful and strenuous, it can be anything from a nice swim, a morning walk to work, using the stairs in stead of the elevator and even making love to your beloved is a form of exercise.   This way you kick start your body and your brain into producing endorphins.  Look at the bright side, you’ll also lose some weight and get fit.

2)     Deliberately force yourself to smile and laugh as often as you can, even if it feels artificial.  You can try sticking smiley faces all around your house, car and work place, so that you’ll remember to smile every time your eye meets these stickers.

3)     Go on a negativity fast by only watching comedy films and sitcoms.  Fish for programs, people, magazine articles and situations that force you to laugh.

4)      Look into your nutrition.  There have been lots of research that link bad nutrition to mood swings and depression.  The latest research shows that a diet with increased fatty acids such as Omega 3 and 6 can contribute to better brain functioning and moods. Do your homework and improve your diet.

By incorporating the above 5 steps into your life for at least 2-3 weeks, you may begin to notice some powerful shifts and changes in how you feel.  In order for the brain to function well, be alert, think fast and connect thoughts more efficiently – it needs the necessary chemicals to help it.  The human body is a magnificent entity that can heal itself though its own ingrained programming.  The key is to use it well by adjusting our lives in order to allow nature to do its magic.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

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It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be

June 14, 2010

The best way to describe Paul Arden is a creative genius who’s common sense is quite uncommon.  He’s the creative mind behind: ‘The car in front is a Toyota’ and ‘The Independent – it is. Are You ?’. Having been in advertising for over 18 years, he’s finally decided to share his way of thinking with the world.

In his book, It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be, he not only covers areas that are compatible with advertising, self help, attitude improvement and general motivation; he writes and illustrates in a way that is engaging and fun to read – two ingredients any NLPer out there can appreciate.  It’s a manual on maximising what you have and aiming for what you can achieve.  Its size allows you to keep it in your briefcase and handbag with ease, so that you can come back to it time and time again.  This is not a book you read once and leave aside to mature on a shelf.  It’s a companion that reminds you of the simplicity, logic and creativity that we can use to answer everyday questions and dilemmas.

If you’re a graduate, or a CEO, a coach or just a person who’s lost the wind in their sail – this book can add life changing insight to your perspective.  At an easy 125 pocket sized pages, this is a small gem of a book of priceless value.  Get it !

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

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Decide To Decide

June 14, 2010

One of the most important elements I bring to my clients is the clarity to make the right decisions.  A decision is NOT: “Could I have the Linguini in stead of the Lasagne please”.  A decision, in essence, has far more weight and power behind it than a choice.  In a way, a decision should be a binding self contract that you honour and stick to with your heart and soul.

Think of a time when you made a decision that had a substantial impact on your direction.  Perhaps a career change, the acceptance of a proposal or a decision to move from one city to another to take up that new job.  Deciding on something can be a life altering experience that can expose you to new dimensions you never even knew existed.  As the vintage Anthony Robbins saying goes: “It is in moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.”

Naturally, to decide on something once and for all can be a daunting experience.  Just think of all those choices to think about, all those outcomes to imagine and pros and cons to weigh.  As such, it’s very understandable why some people take their time and eventually end up procrastinating to infinity and beyond.  They get so overwhelmed and tense about deciding to decide that it leads to unnecessary worry and anxiety.

There are three primary avenues to explore and appreciate when it comes to decisions.

Firstly – Make sure that the decision you’re about to undertake  (or even consider) complements your values.  There are two very powerful forces that govern your everyday life: 1) Your Beliefs and 2) Your Values.  Your values are simply the true fibres of your character and personality.  Your values basically tell you what is right and what is wrong.  A young man may help a blind person cross the street, because he values kindness and helping his fellow man – while another may look the other way and rush to his meeting on time.  Your actions reflect your values, and your values govern your actions.   Stephen Covey couldn’t have been more spot on when he said: “Self-knowledge appears as the beacon toward which successful people have always travelled”.  You’re probably wondering by now how you can elicit your values to learn more about yourself.  Here’s what I suggest you do.  Grab a blank piece of paper and a pen, then answer the following questions with complete honesty:

Imagine you are at your own funeral (just for the sake of this exercise).  What do people say about you – not from the pulpit but in whispered voices at the back of the room?  What would you like them to say?

Which two people do you greatly admire and respect (they can be alive or dead – famous or not).  Now give three reasons why you chose them.

By now you ought to have a clearer picture about what values you hold dear as a person, so make sure whatever you are considering to decide complements the values you hold dear.  Where people tend to go wrong is when their decision conflicts with their values, thus leading to self sabotage and never going to the next step.

Secondly – This is the most common of them all, and it’s the fear of failure.  Guess what?  There is no such thing as failure, only a bad result that’s trying to tell you: “Try other ways, because this one didn’t work”.  This reminds me of what Thomas Watson who’s the founder of IBM once said: “Would you like me to give you a formula for success?  It’s quite simple really.  Double your rate of failure”.  If you closely look at any high achieving successful person out there today, every single one of them has had to struggle to succeed, and they had to fight against the odds to make their dreams come true because they saw failure as a bad result that taught them a lesson.  If you really don’t want to fail, don’t stop trying to succeed.

Time and time again, people get disheartened and let go of life changing decisions that can greatly improve their lives because they imagine a negative result.  Remember, imagination is far more powerful than will, so make sure you imagine your success and see your decision all the way through.  Since you do not know what the exact result will be, why imagine a bad one?

Thirdly – Ask yourself: What’s my decision making strategy?  To help you with this, go back in your mind to a time when you decided something, took the necessary action and made it happen.  It could be anything, a vacation you planned, a project you were in charge of or even a business you started.  Now, ask yourself how you decided what you did.  Did you suddenly say YES!  Let’s just do it?  Or did you have a strategy that worked.  For example, I thought of my decision, asked what it would do for me, then weighed the pros and cons, and finally I took action.  Your strategy might be different to the above example, so go inside and notice how you went about it.  Break it down into small segments so you can notice how and what you did with ease.

Now that you drew out your decision making strategy, apply that very same approach to the decision you’re struggling with and take the action that appeals to you.

This reminds me of Client I recently had who was so analytical (a typical accountant) that he over processed everything and never really took the actions he knew he had to.  Sometimes, it’s best to trust your instinct and go with it because that’s how the best decisions are made.

Small changes can yield the biggest results.  Think of a woman who walks out on an abusive husband and never looks back.  Think of the bride who is being coerced into a marriage she knows is wrong and storms out of the wedding in time only to discover later on that the husband to be was secretly a compulsive gambler.  Or the young Canadian who knew his passion was shoes and decided to fly half way across the globe to study at London’s Cordwainers Technical (now part of the London Collage of Fashion).  That young Canadian is Patrick Cox the famous shoe designer, and the other two women mentioned above are also real life examples of Clients I’ve worked with.

Remember that the power to make a decision is the power to change your life.  So from now on, please decide to decide.

I’d like to finish off with what Henry Ford once said: “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.  It’s simple, fantasize, rehearse, then go out into the world and DO IT !”

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

By Coach Taymour | Posted in Coaching, goal setting | Tagged | Comments off

Delete The Victim

June 14, 2010

Without trying to sound like a stand up philosopher or wanting to state the obvious, life can be extremely challenging with hurdles that test our strengths on a regular basis.  I recently heard a wonderful proverb that says: “Life only throws at you what it thinks you can handle”.  Some challenges are difficult but doable.  Life is hard going for a while but we tend to get back on our feet.  However, other ones can be traumatic and heartbreaking with detrimental and life altering results.  Think of a painful divorce, rape, the untimely death of a child, cancer, losing your job when you have mouths to feed or even having your home flattened by a missile because of your beliefs.  Life can be hard, yet some of us overcome such challenges and live to tell the tale.

What has always fascinated me is how some people overcome incredible difficulties, get themselves together and continue to move forward, while others suffer what to them seems like purgatory.  A state of stagnation within a bubble of pain as the clock of life ticks away.  Why is this?  What determines why some people get up after every fall, no matter how bad it seems to be, while others struggle longer to get up and in some cases never do?  What is the secret ingredient that helps people cope with the tragedies they have been dealt?  The answer is quite simple, it’s attitude.  Quite specifically, it’s victim attitude vs. survivor attitude.

Relationship experts Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks who are the founders of the Hendricks Institute (www.hendricks.com) have a remarkable model called “The Relationship Triangle”.  Each corner of this triangle has a role that people have played at some point or another during their lives.  In the first corner: The Villain, in the second corner: The Victim and in the third: The Hero.  Every role is dependent on the other two.  None of them can exist without the others.  You can’t have a victim without a villain to inflict the crime, you can’t have a hero without a victim to be saved and you certainly can’t have a villain without a victim to be victimised.  At some point or another we have all either consciously or unconsciously played one or all of these three roles.  Let’s zoom in on the victim role for the sake of this article.

When bad things happen to us, we feel victimised.  My own personal experience of this being that I was mugged at knife point when I was 18.  I still carry the visible scar on my right cheekbone.  It made me feel angry, bitter, scared and frankly, traumatised.  I carried those feelings for months but eventually they diminished.  Most of the Clients I have closely worked with have also at one point or another suffered terribly and felt victimised for something they had gone through.  Feeling like a victim is understandable and there are times that we need to have our space and peace and quiet to re-compose ourselves and carry on with life.  Feeling victimised is a short to medium term phase we all go through and with the right attitude, love and support from people close to us and overall faith we can cope and move on.  However, for some, feeling victimised tends to spiral uncontrollably into an identity or role they undertake: the “victim”.

What tends to happen is that they view the world as a horrible place of suffering.  People, society and the whole world end up feeling like villains who they perceive are out to get them.  They feel helpless, weak, paralyzed and incapable of coping with things that they had successfully managed before.  In addition, they start to dramatise how they feel, become overly demanding and exhaust everyone around them.  Bizarrely enough they end up also being emotional vampires i.e. the villain, who inflicts suffering on their loved ones.  They become hero radars who seek help and attention from people around them to save the day.  Moreover, they unconsciously seek villains to reiterate their role as victims.  In other words, if all is going well, they seek situations and people to get hurt and carry on in the vicious loop of despair to resonate their comfortable “victim” identity and role.

Months ago, I had a Client who had finally decided to come out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship.  She walked out in the middle of the night and never looked back.  Naturally everyone around her were relieved and happy for her.  She came to see me because she wanted to create a fresh life for herself.  As we progressed with our sessions, she confessed that she was still attracted to “bad boys” who treat her appallingly.  This immediately pointed me in the Self Worth direction, but it also made me question her role within relationships and whether she still felt like a victim.  We worked on this issue in depth, and she now sees herself as a strong person who can overcome the challenges that life throws at her.  In other words, her identity shifted from feeling like a victim to feeling like a survivor.  Though it seems simple, the changes in the way she lives her life are profound.

I’ve mentioned before that if you repeat a thought to yourself over and over again, it becomes a belief and if you believe something for long enough, it becomes a conviction then eventually a behaviour.  Since beliefs are not 100% true, or else they’d be referred to as facts, they can be re-examined.  Bertrand Russell very wittily once said: “I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong”.  The same principle is applicable here in the victim attitude.  People feel victimised because what has happened to them is an injustice of some kind.  Now if you mentally re-run and re-play what happened to you over and over again; in other words re-live the experience repeatedly, you’ll feel the suffering again and again.  You then lose control of your own mind.  Remember that the only person who can control what you think is you.  If you don’t like what you’re visualising (mental pictures) and hearing (internal dialogue), you have the right and freedom to change it.

I mentioned early on in this article that it all boils down to attitude.  In order to de-victimise yourself from what happened to you, you need to change your own attitude by being honest with yourself and delete the victim program you have unconsciously installed from your mental computer.  There are numerous people all around who can inspire us and strengthen our spirits with their resilience, positivity and attitude to life. They are survivors, not victims because they chose to be.

Here are a few reminders:

  • Lance Armstrong – Testicular Cancer
  • Tina Turner – Battered by ex-husband
  • Billy Connolly – Sexually abused as a child
  • Nelson Mandela – Imprisoned for over 20 years
  • Kelly McGillis – Raped
  • Tom Cruise – Severely Dyslexic
  • Stevie Wonder – Blindness
  • Pamela Anderson – Hepatitis-C
  • Stephen Fry – Manic Depression & Bi-Polar Disorder
  • Viktor Frankl – Holocaust Survivor
  • Paulo Coelho – Viciously Tortured my Brazilian secret police

There are many more celebrities and historical figures who have triumphed in the face of adversity but there are just too many to list here.  Ask yourself: What role do any, or all of the above examples play? Victim or survivor?  I think the answer is quite obvious.

So, how do survivors think?  Naturally, being human, they do suffer and grieve, but it doesn’t last long. They move on, they get stronger and don’t allow an unfortunate event from cursing their precious lives.  They fight and create a life of substance and meaning for themselves.  Most importantly, they believe in themselves and challenge the odds to come out winning.  Because your past does not equal your future and as Carl Jung once said: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become”.

I once asked a Client of mine who had been abused and battered in the past how she coped and moved on.  Her reply was so simple, yet powerful that I still remember every word and the expression on her face.  She looked at me straight in the eye and said: “No one has the right to change my life but me”. Freedom to be and live however way we wish is a gift that we all have.  We owe it to ourselves to be who we truly are and never allow anyone to derail us off our chosen paths.  Ultimately, time does heal, and with the right attitude we have the strength and ability to turn our lives around.  Being a victim is a temporary phase that does pass, but being a survivor is an everlasting affirmation that we can overcome the hurdles of life time and time again.

Whether you have been wronged, abused and unjustly treated by others in the past, today offers you the chance to stop feeling victimised and start feeling like a survivor who’s strength and self-belief only grows day by day.  Let me finish off with a wonderful quote by L. Wilde: “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it”.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

By Coach Taymour | Posted in Coaching | Tagged , | Comments off