Author Archives: Coach Taymour

Help I want to feel motivated !

June 14, 2010

Since the beginning of 2006, the most common request I get from new clients is the very title of this article.  Most of them are very clear about what they want, but by the end of their intro session, something magic happens and they light up like a Christmas tree.  They become clear, focused and ready to move on and make the necessary improvements to specific areas of their lives.

We all want to achieve our goals, we all want to make constructive changes that can yield a better quality of life for us and our loved ones, but at times the worst enemy can be ourselves.  One of the very first things I do with new clients, is get to know them, and I do not mean on a superficial level – quite the contrary.  I dig deep and try to find out who they truly are, and in the process, re-acquaint them with themselves.  I explore their values, what makes them tick and most importantly help them gain the bigger picture about their lives.  Ultimately, as Stephen Covey puts it: “Self-knowledge appears as the beacon toward which successful people have always travelled”.  To put it simply, if we have to drive a car, we must first  understand what the car is capable of and how it works.

I recently had a client, lets call her Mary for confidentiality’s sake.  Mary was a bright and highly capable professional woman who wanted to achieve the goals she had set out to do.  To cut a long story short, within 40 minutes Mary realized that the reason she lacked the “wind in her sail” to move forward with her plans was because the goals she had set conflicted with her values and who she truly was.  She also realized that the goals she had set were not really hers, but her fathers.  As soon as Mary gained insight into who she truly was, and what she honestly wanted for herself, not only did her motivation shoot up, but it all seemed easier.

Lesson Number 1: Make sure you set goals that complement who you truly are. As Oscar Wilde once said: “ Be yourself; everyone else is already taken”.

Another problem most of my clients seem to face is that they set such high expectations of themselves that the idea of attempting what they had set out to do turns into a great big fear, so they avoid even attempting it.  The key is to keep your goals realistic and be happy with a good result.  A recent corporate client of mine was what you and I call a “perfectionist”.  It was this very quality that prevented him from attempting his goals.  I simply asked him to aim for an “OK” result that would pass as acceptable.  Though he was uncomfortable with this suggestion, sure enough, his final result was better that what he had ever anticipated.  As soon as I asked him to make a small change to his expectations, his performance excelled.

Lesson Number 2: It’s much better to aim for a “good enough” result, rather than a “perfect” one. The “good enough” result usually ends up being better than the perfect one, particularly if our quest for perfection has stopped us from producing any result at all.

One of the most valuable lessons I learned through my NLP training was that imagination is far more powerful than will.  In fact, one of the most powerful energies on this planet is the power of thought.  Look around you, everything in the room you’re in started with an idea, a thought or imagination.  If you want to attempt and achieve your goals, you MUST see it in your mind first.  To visualise, is to take the fist step towards achievement.  Some people get up and do what has to be done, others never get up at all, but there are some who imagine it first, they even re-run it in their minds again and again, then get up and outperform all those around them.  It is such people, who can change the world for the better.

Lesson Number 3:  Imagine yourself achieving your goal, see it in your mind first, then allow your reality to fulfil your vision.

There is an old Persian proverb that states: “Stupidity is not making a mistake, it’s repeating it”.  We have all made mistakes, the important thing is NOT to view them as failures, but lessons that add value to our lives.  Failure is no more than life’s feedback that lets you know you need to change your approach and strategy towards your goals, and not to give up.

Lesson Number 4:  The more you fail, the closer you’re getting to success.  View failure as what Mel Gibson calls ‘School Fees’ – the cost of life’s education that teaches you the lessons you learn.

By setting realistic goals that are chunked down into doable time frames, you may begin to view your goals as simple daily checklists that are easy to achieve.  If I hand you a huge cake that can feed fifty people, and ask you to eat it, chances are you won’t be able to.  However, if cut it into individual sized portions, then you’re likely to finish that cake in less than a month.  Apply the same principle to your goals.  If you chunk them down into daily tasks, then you ensure a steady stream of necessary motivation to achieve your goals.

Lesson Number 5: Break down your goals into easy to do daily tasks that can add up.  Remember, little changes yield big results.  “A jug fills drop by drop” The Buddha.

Motivation is a remarkable fuel that can keep you going tirelessly towards achieving your goals.  The above five lessons are a few of the most powerful attitude changes that can greatly influence your behaviour and help you grow further.  Ultimately, the key is to persevere and see the big picture, to get up after every fall, and not get disheartened by a few bad results.  I’ll finish off with a what Louis Pasteur very eloquently once said:

“Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength solely lies in my tenacity”.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Coaching | Tagged | Comments off

More Brain Juice Please

June 14, 2010

The human brain is such a fascinating and complex organ, that the scientific world is still studying it.  Through the years of research, it has come to light that there are three very important neurochemicals in the brain that help the millions of neurons connect and communicate better so that we can think and process thoughts more efficiently.  These chemicals are serotonin, dopamine and endorphins; what us Neuro Linguistic Programmers call brain juice.  In a recent study, it was found that people who have been diagnosed with clinical depression tend to have low levels of all the three chemicals mentioned above.  Unfortunately, most sad and depressed people end up with increased amounts of Cortisol in their body which can interfere with the function of neurotransmitters.  Excessive Cortisol in your brain can also make it difficult to retrieve long-term memory, in other words the functioning of the brain slows down and becomes polluted.  Some studies have also linked too much Cortisol to the stiffening of the arteries, thus increasing the risk of a heart attack.

Luckily, there is great news.  By incorporating some fun and interesting changes to your daily life, you CAN change how you feel by the chemicals your brain can naturally create.  The brain reacts to the emotions we feel, and some of these emotions are hard wired to the physiological changes we go through.  For example, it is very challenging to think sad thoughts while our posture is upright, or when we put on a huge fake smile.  I won’t be the first to tell you that the mind and body work as one.  Just recall the last time you went for a long walk, a swim or a jog – did you feel down and depressed afterwards ?  Of course not, the simple reason is that your brain produced endorphins during your exercise (endorphins are the bodies natural opiates that make you feel good).

One of the reasons we love eating chocolate or indulge in retail therapy is because such behaviour automatically signals to the brain that you are enjoying yourself, so the brain starts to release serotonin – also known as the happy hormone.  This is precisely why we become chocoholics and shopaholics – our brains create a link to behaviours that make it feel good resulting in a habit that is not always in our best interest.

So here’s what you CAN do in order to improve your life, create better moods and most importantly, manage and perhaps successfully overcome those times when you are in the doldrums.

1)     Start exercising for at least 20 minutes a day.  Exercise does not have to be painful and strenuous, it can be anything from a nice swim, a morning walk to work, using the stairs in stead of the elevator and even making love to your beloved is a form of exercise.   This way you kick start your body and your brain into producing endorphins.  Look at the bright side, you’ll also lose some weight and get fit.

2)     Deliberately force yourself to smile and laugh as often as you can, even if it feels artificial.  You can try sticking smiley faces all around your house, car and work place, so that you’ll remember to smile every time your eye meets these stickers.

3)     Go on a negativity fast by only watching comedy films and sitcoms.  Fish for programs, people, magazine articles and situations that force you to laugh.

4)      Look into your nutrition.  There have been lots of research that link bad nutrition to mood swings and depression.  The latest research shows that a diet with increased fatty acids such as Omega 3 and 6 can contribute to better brain functioning and moods. Do your homework and improve your diet.

By incorporating the above 5 steps into your life for at least 2-3 weeks, you may begin to notice some powerful shifts and changes in how you feel.  In order for the brain to function well, be alert, think fast and connect thoughts more efficiently – it needs the necessary chemicals to help it.  The human body is a magnificent entity that can heal itself though its own ingrained programming.  The key is to use it well by adjusting our lives in order to allow nature to do its magic.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Coaching, NLP, Taymour | Tagged , | Comments off

Are YOU Worth It ?

June 14, 2010

One of the most powerful underlying forces that determine the quality of our lives is self worth.  Self worth is literally the value or worth that we as individuals place on ourselves.  Over the years I have helped countless clients who on the surface seem to lack the comforts needed to be happy.  However, a slight scratch of that very surface reveals that the real problem is low self worth and ultimately an avid dislike of themselves.  Low self worth is why some women stay in abusive relationships, low self-worth is why some corporate executives never aim to get the promotion they so desire and low self worth is why some people self-sabotage whenever a good thing happens to them.

I recently had a client, lets call her Katie.  Katie was an educated working woman who had a stream of unsatisfactory relationships with men.  She always blamed herself for making the wrong choices and was convinced that it was always her fault when the relationship broke down.  In fact, Katie was the type of woman who was always so grateful for having a boyfriend at all.  The men she dated inevitably treated her very poorly, yet she let it happen and accepted their behaviour toward her without question.  Even her appearance was a reflection of someone who didn’t really care about herself.  The problem with Katie was that she was sending out the wrong message.  A message of low self worth which set the benchmark on how ‘Katie’ wished to be treated.  Since communication is a two way stream, people will always treat you the way you treat yourself.

Low self worth is the unfortunate product of past experiences that can go back to childhood.  How a teacher put you down in fifth grade, how a parent always criticised your every effort or the ever popular bullying from your class mates.  Such experiences tend to resonate in the unconscious mind and create the low self worth we’re exploring here, not to mention limiting beliefs that hold you back. (See: You Are What You Believe article).  Such painful experiences contribute greatly to how we live our lives later in adulthood.  We tend to grasp a sense of our identity from our surrounding, even if our surrounding is absolutely false and corrupt.  The human unconscious cannot negate, it believes everything it hears.  A famous example among NLP’ers to test this claim is: “In the next 10 seconds, do NOT think of a Pink Elephant”.

What happens to us through unpleasant experiences is that we start to believe that we are not worth what we truly are, and do not deserve to achieve anything good for ourselves.  Moreover, our internal dialogue becomes the villain we so hate, thus the process of self-hypnosis kicks in and alters our beliefs and behaviour.  The symptoms of low self worth are many, and among the most extreme are eating disorders.  In a world that dictates to us what is beautiful and what is not, our self image and worth is becoming diluted to the point of confusion and pain.

What sadly happens is that individuals tend to put themselves down, refuse to stand up for themselves and sacrifice their most basic right of self respect and dignity in fear of being judged and labelled as egotistical.  The ‘ego’ self is merely the individual self, and there is nothing wrong with nurturing the ego every once in a while.  Being an insecure show off on the other hand is a totally different matter.

If you reflect high self worth, you will attract respect, admiration and credibility in everything you do and say – and vice-versa.  Just because we behave a certain way that dissatisfies us, we don’t have to carry on doing the same thing.  Behaviour is something that can be easily changed once awareness takes place, which incidentally reminds me of what Carl Jung once said: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become”.

There is light to seek, and changes to make.  Here are some simple yet powerful questions that I have borrowed from Fiona Harrold.  Answer them honestly and briefly.  The following questions are designed to help you gain awareness of how you are living.  The very first step to any form of change is awareness.

  • How do I rate my self-worth on a scale of 0 to 100?

  • If my rate is less than 100, the 3 reasons why this is so are:

  • What exactly stops me from liking myself more?

  • What are 3 ways that I hold myself back through not having enough belief in myself?

  • What are the 3 things that I do to be liked by others and feel likable?

  • What 3 things do I tolerate or put up with in my life?

  • For what 3 things do I blame or resent myself?

  • In what 3 ways do I punish myself?

As a species, we are easily amenable to countless influences that we are subjected to in our daily lives, including our society, religion, upbringing, friends and the media.  The great news is, we CAN change for the better.  Let me finish off with what the eighteenth century philosopher Voltaire once said:

“Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to make you commit injustices.”  Even to yourself!!!

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Taymour | Tagged , | Comments off

How To Win Friends & Influence People

June 14, 2010

Warning: This Book Can Change Your Life !

The very first time I ever read a self help book was back in 1990.  I had finished high school, and decided to go on a well earned vacation. How To Win Friends & Influence People (HTWFIP) by Dale Carnegie caught my eye at the airport bookshop.

As I read on my five hour flight, I was captivated like a bear to a jar of honey.  Lapping up page after page, I was intrigued because it was the first book that truly benefited me.  I learned that human communication, once refined, can yield the most powerful results imaginable.  I learned that with a little finesse, tact and lateral thinking, a whole new dimension of understanding and growth can be achieved between you and anyone, from any walk of life.

Though this book can honestly be considered ‘old’ – first published in 1936, its content is timeless.  In fact, most other self help books (coaching, corporate training & positive psychology) written in the last fifteen years seem to repeat some of the techniques in this very book.

This was the first of many books written by Dale Carnegie, and today Dale Carnegie & Associates Inc. is one of the world’s leading corporate training institutions that train its delegates in areas that range from public speaking skills to effective leadership training.

Covering a broad range, this ‘gem’ of a book endows its reader with the fundamental tools and techniques that can enhance interpersonal skills, leadership, influencing skills and most importantly, humility and confidence.

With over 15,000,000 copies sold and still selling, this is a book that is not only sentimentally and practically dear to me, but an icon that has set the benchmark in the field of self help and corporate training.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Opinion | Comments off

It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be

June 14, 2010

The best way to describe Paul Arden is a creative genius who’s common sense is quite uncommon.  He’s the creative mind behind: ‘The car in front is a Toyota’ and ‘The Independent – it is. Are You ?’. Having been in advertising for over 18 years, he’s finally decided to share his way of thinking with the world.

In his book, It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be, he not only covers areas that are compatible with advertising, self help, attitude improvement and general motivation; he writes and illustrates in a way that is engaging and fun to read – two ingredients any NLPer out there can appreciate.  It’s a manual on maximising what you have and aiming for what you can achieve.  Its size allows you to keep it in your briefcase and handbag with ease, so that you can come back to it time and time again.  This is not a book you read once and leave aside to mature on a shelf.  It’s a companion that reminds you of the simplicity, logic and creativity that we can use to answer everyday questions and dilemmas.

If you’re a graduate, or a CEO, a coach or just a person who’s lost the wind in their sail – this book can add life changing insight to your perspective.  At an easy 125 pocket sized pages, this is a small gem of a book of priceless value.  Get it !

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Coaching, NLP, Opinion | Tagged , | Comments off

The Happiness of Simplicity

June 14, 2010

There have been lots of articles in the papers recently about a new study showing that we as a society were far happier in the mid 1950’s than we are now!  WHAT?  That can’t be right!  We have the internet, we have mobile phones, e-mail, great cars and entertainment on tap.  We can even hop on a plane and spend the weekend in Reykjavik, and be back in time to watch Top Gear.  Surely we must be happier now than the post WWII 1950’s?

Well, it’s true.  In spite of all the high tech improvements around us and the wealth we’re swimming in,  the demand for anti-depressants is on an astronomical high.  A few months ago, I had a client who was a high profile member of a ruling family.  My client decided to go out for dinner along with the entourage.  I was very generously asked to join them.  The food, service and venue were truly unforgettable.  As the evening progressed, I found out that nine out of the twelve members of the entourage were on anti-depressants such as Prozac and Zoloft, and anti-anxiety pills such as Xanex.  I came back to my relatively small life feeling like an emotional billionaire.

Prince Charles very eloquently once said that: “We have become slaves to technology, instead of its Master”.  True, we have e-mail, but we stress about it and check it hundreds of times a day.  We have mobile phones, yet we answer it with tension and worry.  Even the convenience of SMS messaging has become a tool for receiving speedy bad news such as being fired, dumped by a partner, and even bullying among school children.  We have very safe and technologically advanced cars to make our lives easier, yet road rage is everywhere.  The most hypnotic machine, also known as the ever popular television can provide us with 500 plus channels that are constantly telling us how to think and who we have to be in order to be ‘IN’ or ‘Cool’.  We seem lost, confused, angry and worst of all we’re existing, not living.  We constantly hear of the scarcity of time, yet we spend it on meaningless trivialities that fill our voids with a vacuum.

What really matters?  Who are we?  What are we looking for?  What would give our lives meaning and substance?  What can we do to find that increasingly endangered species – the peace of mind we all long for?  The answer to all these questions are in every one of us, and none of the answers will be identical because happiness is so relative.  It is not some generalisation that advertising companies try to ingrain in us in order to buy their products or service.

Imagine for a moment how life would have been like in the 1950’s.  To begin with, greater numbers of families ate together at the table and talked about their day and shared their problems and worries.   There was a sense of innocence that demanded very little, with children being allowed to behave like children and not like a regurgitation from hell.  There was a sense of identity, spirituality and appreciation for everything.  The family unit was generally stronger and we had a greater appreciation for the simple things that really mattered.

There is an ancient Chinese curse that says: “May you live in interesting times”.  Indeed, these are interesting times when divorce is at a rate of 49%, interesting times when alcohol abuse is the number one cause of violence and social misery, and the most interesting of all is how we’re popping anti-depressants like M&M’s when all we really need to do is focus on what we want, be happy about it and cherish our peace.  By having an honest dialogue with ourselves, and exploring who we really are, we can align our daily life to complement the direction we want to go in.  Ultimately, as Napoleon Hill once said: “If you aim at nothing, you generally hit it”.

I’d like to finish off with what Michael Neill refers to as the 5 rules of happiness:

Rule 1) If you like something, make sure you enjoy it.

Rule 2) If you don’t like something – avoid it.

Rule 3) If you don’t like something, and you can’t or won’t avoid it – change it.

Rule 4) If you don’t like something, and you can’t or won’t change it – accept it.

Rule 5) There are no rules for being happy  – just be happy.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Taymour | Comments off

Decide To Decide

June 14, 2010

One of the most important elements I bring to my clients is the clarity to make the right decisions.  A decision is NOT: “Could I have the Linguini in stead of the Lasagne please”.  A decision, in essence, has far more weight and power behind it than a choice.  In a way, a decision should be a binding self contract that you honour and stick to with your heart and soul.

Think of a time when you made a decision that had a substantial impact on your direction.  Perhaps a career change, the acceptance of a proposal or a decision to move from one city to another to take up that new job.  Deciding on something can be a life altering experience that can expose you to new dimensions you never even knew existed.  As the vintage Anthony Robbins saying goes: “It is in moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.”

Naturally, to decide on something once and for all can be a daunting experience.  Just think of all those choices to think about, all those outcomes to imagine and pros and cons to weigh.  As such, it’s very understandable why some people take their time and eventually end up procrastinating to infinity and beyond.  They get so overwhelmed and tense about deciding to decide that it leads to unnecessary worry and anxiety.

There are three primary avenues to explore and appreciate when it comes to decisions.

Firstly – Make sure that the decision you’re about to undertake  (or even consider) complements your values.  There are two very powerful forces that govern your everyday life: 1) Your Beliefs and 2) Your Values.  Your values are simply the true fibres of your character and personality.  Your values basically tell you what is right and what is wrong.  A young man may help a blind person cross the street, because he values kindness and helping his fellow man – while another may look the other way and rush to his meeting on time.  Your actions reflect your values, and your values govern your actions.   Stephen Covey couldn’t have been more spot on when he said: “Self-knowledge appears as the beacon toward which successful people have always travelled”.  You’re probably wondering by now how you can elicit your values to learn more about yourself.  Here’s what I suggest you do.  Grab a blank piece of paper and a pen, then answer the following questions with complete honesty:

Imagine you are at your own funeral (just for the sake of this exercise).  What do people say about you – not from the pulpit but in whispered voices at the back of the room?  What would you like them to say?

Which two people do you greatly admire and respect (they can be alive or dead – famous or not).  Now give three reasons why you chose them.

By now you ought to have a clearer picture about what values you hold dear as a person, so make sure whatever you are considering to decide complements the values you hold dear.  Where people tend to go wrong is when their decision conflicts with their values, thus leading to self sabotage and never going to the next step.

Secondly – This is the most common of them all, and it’s the fear of failure.  Guess what?  There is no such thing as failure, only a bad result that’s trying to tell you: “Try other ways, because this one didn’t work”.  This reminds me of what Thomas Watson who’s the founder of IBM once said: “Would you like me to give you a formula for success?  It’s quite simple really.  Double your rate of failure”.  If you closely look at any high achieving successful person out there today, every single one of them has had to struggle to succeed, and they had to fight against the odds to make their dreams come true because they saw failure as a bad result that taught them a lesson.  If you really don’t want to fail, don’t stop trying to succeed.

Time and time again, people get disheartened and let go of life changing decisions that can greatly improve their lives because they imagine a negative result.  Remember, imagination is far more powerful than will, so make sure you imagine your success and see your decision all the way through.  Since you do not know what the exact result will be, why imagine a bad one?

Thirdly – Ask yourself: What’s my decision making strategy?  To help you with this, go back in your mind to a time when you decided something, took the necessary action and made it happen.  It could be anything, a vacation you planned, a project you were in charge of or even a business you started.  Now, ask yourself how you decided what you did.  Did you suddenly say YES!  Let’s just do it?  Or did you have a strategy that worked.  For example, I thought of my decision, asked what it would do for me, then weighed the pros and cons, and finally I took action.  Your strategy might be different to the above example, so go inside and notice how you went about it.  Break it down into small segments so you can notice how and what you did with ease.

Now that you drew out your decision making strategy, apply that very same approach to the decision you’re struggling with and take the action that appeals to you.

This reminds me of Client I recently had who was so analytical (a typical accountant) that he over processed everything and never really took the actions he knew he had to.  Sometimes, it’s best to trust your instinct and go with it because that’s how the best decisions are made.

Small changes can yield the biggest results.  Think of a woman who walks out on an abusive husband and never looks back.  Think of the bride who is being coerced into a marriage she knows is wrong and storms out of the wedding in time only to discover later on that the husband to be was secretly a compulsive gambler.  Or the young Canadian who knew his passion was shoes and decided to fly half way across the globe to study at London’s Cordwainers Technical (now part of the London Collage of Fashion).  That young Canadian is Patrick Cox the famous shoe designer, and the other two women mentioned above are also real life examples of Clients I’ve worked with.

Remember that the power to make a decision is the power to change your life.  So from now on, please decide to decide.

I’d like to finish off with what Henry Ford once said: “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.  It’s simple, fantasize, rehearse, then go out into the world and DO IT !”

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Coaching, goal setting | Tagged | Comments off

Delete The Victim

June 14, 2010

Without trying to sound like a stand up philosopher or wanting to state the obvious, life can be extremely challenging with hurdles that test our strengths on a regular basis.  I recently heard a wonderful proverb that says: “Life only throws at you what it thinks you can handle”.  Some challenges are difficult but doable.  Life is hard going for a while but we tend to get back on our feet.  However, other ones can be traumatic and heartbreaking with detrimental and life altering results.  Think of a painful divorce, rape, the untimely death of a child, cancer, losing your job when you have mouths to feed or even having your home flattened by a missile because of your beliefs.  Life can be hard, yet some of us overcome such challenges and live to tell the tale.

What has always fascinated me is how some people overcome incredible difficulties, get themselves together and continue to move forward, while others suffer what to them seems like purgatory.  A state of stagnation within a bubble of pain as the clock of life ticks away.  Why is this?  What determines why some people get up after every fall, no matter how bad it seems to be, while others struggle longer to get up and in some cases never do?  What is the secret ingredient that helps people cope with the tragedies they have been dealt?  The answer is quite simple, it’s attitude.  Quite specifically, it’s victim attitude vs. survivor attitude.

Relationship experts Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks who are the founders of the Hendricks Institute (www.hendricks.com) have a remarkable model called “The Relationship Triangle”.  Each corner of this triangle has a role that people have played at some point or another during their lives.  In the first corner: The Villain, in the second corner: The Victim and in the third: The Hero.  Every role is dependent on the other two.  None of them can exist without the others.  You can’t have a victim without a villain to inflict the crime, you can’t have a hero without a victim to be saved and you certainly can’t have a villain without a victim to be victimised.  At some point or another we have all either consciously or unconsciously played one or all of these three roles.  Let’s zoom in on the victim role for the sake of this article.

When bad things happen to us, we feel victimised.  My own personal experience of this being that I was mugged at knife point when I was 18.  I still carry the visible scar on my right cheekbone.  It made me feel angry, bitter, scared and frankly, traumatised.  I carried those feelings for months but eventually they diminished.  Most of the Clients I have closely worked with have also at one point or another suffered terribly and felt victimised for something they had gone through.  Feeling like a victim is understandable and there are times that we need to have our space and peace and quiet to re-compose ourselves and carry on with life.  Feeling victimised is a short to medium term phase we all go through and with the right attitude, love and support from people close to us and overall faith we can cope and move on.  However, for some, feeling victimised tends to spiral uncontrollably into an identity or role they undertake: the “victim”.

What tends to happen is that they view the world as a horrible place of suffering.  People, society and the whole world end up feeling like villains who they perceive are out to get them.  They feel helpless, weak, paralyzed and incapable of coping with things that they had successfully managed before.  In addition, they start to dramatise how they feel, become overly demanding and exhaust everyone around them.  Bizarrely enough they end up also being emotional vampires i.e. the villain, who inflicts suffering on their loved ones.  They become hero radars who seek help and attention from people around them to save the day.  Moreover, they unconsciously seek villains to reiterate their role as victims.  In other words, if all is going well, they seek situations and people to get hurt and carry on in the vicious loop of despair to resonate their comfortable “victim” identity and role.

Months ago, I had a Client who had finally decided to come out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship.  She walked out in the middle of the night and never looked back.  Naturally everyone around her were relieved and happy for her.  She came to see me because she wanted to create a fresh life for herself.  As we progressed with our sessions, she confessed that she was still attracted to “bad boys” who treat her appallingly.  This immediately pointed me in the Self Worth direction, but it also made me question her role within relationships and whether she still felt like a victim.  We worked on this issue in depth, and she now sees herself as a strong person who can overcome the challenges that life throws at her.  In other words, her identity shifted from feeling like a victim to feeling like a survivor.  Though it seems simple, the changes in the way she lives her life are profound.

I’ve mentioned before that if you repeat a thought to yourself over and over again, it becomes a belief and if you believe something for long enough, it becomes a conviction then eventually a behaviour.  Since beliefs are not 100% true, or else they’d be referred to as facts, they can be re-examined.  Bertrand Russell very wittily once said: “I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong”.  The same principle is applicable here in the victim attitude.  People feel victimised because what has happened to them is an injustice of some kind.  Now if you mentally re-run and re-play what happened to you over and over again; in other words re-live the experience repeatedly, you’ll feel the suffering again and again.  You then lose control of your own mind.  Remember that the only person who can control what you think is you.  If you don’t like what you’re visualising (mental pictures) and hearing (internal dialogue), you have the right and freedom to change it.

I mentioned early on in this article that it all boils down to attitude.  In order to de-victimise yourself from what happened to you, you need to change your own attitude by being honest with yourself and delete the victim program you have unconsciously installed from your mental computer.  There are numerous people all around who can inspire us and strengthen our spirits with their resilience, positivity and attitude to life. They are survivors, not victims because they chose to be.

Here are a few reminders:

  • Lance Armstrong – Testicular Cancer
  • Tina Turner – Battered by ex-husband
  • Billy Connolly – Sexually abused as a child
  • Nelson Mandela – Imprisoned for over 20 years
  • Kelly McGillis – Raped
  • Tom Cruise – Severely Dyslexic
  • Stevie Wonder – Blindness
  • Pamela Anderson – Hepatitis-C
  • Stephen Fry – Manic Depression & Bi-Polar Disorder
  • Viktor Frankl – Holocaust Survivor
  • Paulo Coelho – Viciously Tortured my Brazilian secret police

There are many more celebrities and historical figures who have triumphed in the face of adversity but there are just too many to list here.  Ask yourself: What role do any, or all of the above examples play? Victim or survivor?  I think the answer is quite obvious.

So, how do survivors think?  Naturally, being human, they do suffer and grieve, but it doesn’t last long. They move on, they get stronger and don’t allow an unfortunate event from cursing their precious lives.  They fight and create a life of substance and meaning for themselves.  Most importantly, they believe in themselves and challenge the odds to come out winning.  Because your past does not equal your future and as Carl Jung once said: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become”.

I once asked a Client of mine who had been abused and battered in the past how she coped and moved on.  Her reply was so simple, yet powerful that I still remember every word and the expression on her face.  She looked at me straight in the eye and said: “No one has the right to change my life but me”. Freedom to be and live however way we wish is a gift that we all have.  We owe it to ourselves to be who we truly are and never allow anyone to derail us off our chosen paths.  Ultimately, time does heal, and with the right attitude we have the strength and ability to turn our lives around.  Being a victim is a temporary phase that does pass, but being a survivor is an everlasting affirmation that we can overcome the hurdles of life time and time again.

Whether you have been wronged, abused and unjustly treated by others in the past, today offers you the chance to stop feeling victimised and start feeling like a survivor who’s strength and self-belief only grows day by day.  Let me finish off with a wonderful quote by L. Wilde: “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it”.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Coaching | Tagged , | Comments off

The Da Vinci Coach

June 14, 2010

No.  This article has absolutely nothing to do with Dan Brown’s bestselling novel, nor will it touch upon the divine feminine or debate the divinity of Jesus Christ.  This article is about seven powerful principles of enlightenment by a man who I believe was a divine gift to humanity, as were Mozart, Michelangelo, Newton, Ghandi and Einstein.  Before we delve into the principles, let us get to know more about this enigmatic renaissance figure.

Leonardo Da Vinci was born on 15th April 1452 in Vinci (hence, Da Vinci), a small town outside Florence in Tuscany.  He was not only born a bastard in a very Catholic country, but a dyslexic genius who was a strict vegetarian in a province that is world renowned for it hearty game dishes and rich cuisine.  He loathed war, or any kind of bloodshed, and was most kind and affectionate to animals. He had a quick mind, a sharp eye and made lots of scientific discoveries, yet never really published any of his work.  He was an artist, a scientist, a philosopher and an inventor.  To this day, he is one of the greatest painters of the Italian Renaissance who has left many sketches and diagrams in his wake that still amaze the artistic and scientific thinkers of today.

So how is Da Vinci linked to Coaching and self development?  The answer lies in the Seven Principles of Enlightenment that he left behind.  Translated by Stewart Pearce in blue and elaborated from a self help perspective by yours truly.

I. CURIOSITA:  An insatiable curiosity for life and an unrelenting quest for learning.*

One of the most powerful driving forces that continuously pushes us forward as a species is our innate curiosity in all things.  Most importantly, curiosity in ourselves.  Nothing can help more than self knowledge and the curiosity to explore our strengths and build them to new heights through self education and research into avenues that interest and inspire us.  Every goal needs research and further investigation and a quest for learning will only benefit our path to achieving our goals and dreams.

II. DIMONSTRAZIONE: A commitment to test knowledge through experience and a willingness to make mistakes.*

One of the most important pre-suppositions in NLP is that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback.  Because, it is through mistakes that we learn and grow.  Thus, a sense of adventure combined with a willingness to embrace mistakes as valuable lessons will allow us to attempt our goals with a freedom never felt before.  W. Amos once said: “Commitment lets you know that failure is not failure, but an idea on its way to success.”

III. SENSAZIONE: A continual refinement of the senses as a mean to enliven experience.*

Our five senses continuously trigger memories and emotions.  Think of the love song which brings back memories of your fist love.  Think of that swallow of Merlot on your last vacation.  Think of the last time you visualized an outcome that motivated you to work harder.  When you play with your sub-modalities, you can change how you feel because it is through our senses that we alter our feelings.  If you have a goal, you must visualize it, you must re-run it in your mind and fuel it with encouraging internal dialogue to fire up your senses and enliven the quality of your life and performance.

IV. SFUMATO – “Going Up In Smoke”: A willingness to embrace ambiguity, paradox and uncertainty.*

Risk is an ingredient every high achiever has used in their concoction of success.  It is through calculated risk that visions are created and dreams accomplished.  The uncertainty of life allows us to exercise faith and trust in the universe and embrace the adventurous journey of life.  “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” - Helen Keller

V. ARTE – SCIENZA:  The development of the balance between art and science or imagination and logic.*

From a coaching perspective, consider the left brain hemisphere which is logical, mathematical and scientific and the right brain hemisphere which is creative, musical and artistic.  By connecting the two hemispheres and enhancing their intercommunication we automatically improve our intelligence and productivity.  In fact, every great thinker in history has always nurtured both sides through a creative hobby such as music and painting.  It is paramount that we cultivate both sides of our minds in order to enlighten our lives and enrich our capabilities.

VI. CORPORALITA: The cultivation of grace, poise and truth.*

Through self- respect, worth, and honesty we can limit our pains and nurture ourselves to altitudes of betterment.  This includes looking after ones bodily and mental health, not just through what we eat and drink, but also through people we socialise with and environments we harbour ourselves in.  When we grow to love and appreciate ourselves as entities that disserve respect and general goodness, we also evolve spiritually.  In other words, our core beliefs and values need to be refined on a regular basis.

VII. CONNESSIONE: A recognition and appreciation of the theory of interconnectedness in all things.*

There is an undeniable connection in life that reaffirms itself through synchronicity and the old theory of cause and effect.  Broadly speaking, think of global warming and its link with green house gases.  On a smaller scale, let’s consider an old Client of mine who was convinced he would never get the promotion because of his ethnic background.  As soon as we successfully worked on this limiting belief, not only did his performance improve at work, but sure enough he got the promotion.  Two months after his promotion, his wife became pregnant and they moved to a quiet family suburb.  He now has a great life and views the world in a totally fresh way.  Action equals reaction, and one reaction will systematically create others.  When we set out to achieve a goal or improve an area of our lives we had neglected, we are further weaving our tapestry of life into new realms that can always be traced back to the root.

Though Da Vinci’s principles of enlightenment are from fifteenth century Florence, their wisdom is timeless and ageless and knows no geographical or cultural boundaries.  We are all now living in another renaissance.  A renaissance of human potential, intellectual growth and creative lateral thinking.  Let us learn from such past wisdom in order to evolve into a promising future as we harness our own minds, bodies and spirits.

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

*Translated by Stuart Pearce ©2004 www.thealchemyofvoice.com

Posted in Coaching | Tagged | Comments off

The Lonely City

June 14, 2010

I think the best way to start what I want to share with my readers is to carefully distinguish the difference between loneliness and being alone.  I have come to realize that Paul Tillich beautifully simplifies this in his book The Eternal Now: “Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone.  It has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone.  And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” Solitude is something I highly recommend to not only my Clients, but my friends and family too.  It is almost necessary in our post modern hectic lives to seek some time for inner reflection and quiet contemplation to tune our thoughts and energies for the coming days.  However, let’s give solitude the solitude it needs to examine an almost epidemic suffering most major cities tend to have.

In the past six months I have met many people (and this includes friends, acquaintances and Clients) who complain about how lonely London as a city can be.  The emphasis has been on the word lonely, and the toll it has taken on their quality of life.  Like most major cities London is a giant metropolis that offers a rich history, cultural variety, a cosmopolitan vibe and an ever growing centre for trends and fashion.  Like most cities, London has a relatively high crime rate, its pace is fast, and generally people can be closed, aggressive, withdrawn and even angry.  Though culturally diverse, London is a giant hub of many sub-cultures where people stick to their own group of friends, thus coming across as closed and highly cynical to a potential newcomer.  Time and time again, clients confess to me how they spend most of their weekends alone feeling isolated and withdrawn.  In spite of their rewarding jobs and financial security, their lives lack the richness and warmth of closeness and community that they don’t feel they can get from the city.  They feel that the place that they are most likely to obtain this are small towns but the flipside is that small towns may not be as vibrant and exciting as a city.  Ultimately, it’s the people that define the location.  As the old saying goes, if you want to better your world, better yourself. The question is why are more and more people finding big city life unfulfilling and gloomy?

In spite of the above generalisation, many Londoners cherish their lives in the “big smoke” as it’s affectionately called.  They have challenging careers, an exciting social life and constantly engage themselves in the opportunities that surround them.  They go to galleries and museums, they can have meals from any region imaginable, they take dance classes, Tai Chi or Yoga, not to mention concerts and free lectures on Egyptology.  They literally spend each of their 7 day week doing something fun, engaging and different.  So it’s only fair to ask: Is city life lonely? Or can one shift their perspective and attitude to make the most of where they live?

The answer is yes to both of those questions.  People in cities are generally more stressed and cautious than other non city folk.  They can be closed and reluctant to start new friendships.  However, this does not mean that they are not human.  It’s just that their shells are thicker than average, and thus require a harder tap to crack.  Let’s explore the options that are at hand to shift your loneliness into fun time on your own and with others.

1)    Know yourself.  Identify what you truly enjoy doing, list your interests and research venues, clubs and societies that you can get involved with.

2)    If people in your city are closed and aggressive, you don’t have to be.  One of the most powerful ways to change other people’s behaviour is to change your own.  Greet people with an open face, smile often (it won’t cost you a thing) and deliberately small talk with people you interact with at the shops, bank or post office.  The key is to be approachable.

3)    Appear interested in others.  Ask open questions.  Listen with your eyes, ears and friendly body language.  Make sure you send out a vibe that tells others you’re warm and fun.  Time and time again, tourists and non locals ask me for directions.  They almost choose me from 30 feet away although there are lots of people around.  Reason being is I walk with my head up as I sustain a friendly expression.

4)    Deliberately start a casual conversation with someone in a bar, or café.  Converse for the sake of conversing and not to build a life long friendship.  Finish off with: “Well, it was really nice talking to you.  Hope to see you around again soon”  This way, you won’t come on too hard and come across as unthreatening.

5)    It’s the 21st Century and there are many new ways to interact, chat and get to know like minded people.  Keep an open mind and consider up to date avenues that can expose you to potential new life enhancing friendships and experiences

The enigma that we all search for to obtain a better life actually lies within us because our intention and perception shifts are the real magic that can give us a new life without changing our lives.  We all have choices and ways to better and enrich our lives, the key is to be tenacious, flexible and embrace life with gusto.  People are always attracted to fun, exciting and passionate people – bring out that person in you.

“Set your dial to happiness!

You owe it to yourself to laugh more,

Play more, and fully embrace the experience

Of life.” Dr. S. Jeffers

Until Next Time……Live Don’t Just Exist.

Call now to book an appointment

Tel:  +44 (0)207 602 5477

taymour@guiding-light.net

Posted in Taymour | Tagged | Comments off